


The Moon That Lost Its Glow

by tofu_desu



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:27:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24694495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tofu_desu/pseuds/tofu_desu
Summary: “There’s three of you!! Three of you and you couldn’t even protect him!!...Three of you...and you guys couldn’t even love him enough.”Warning!! Major Character Death in the beginning with minor explicit scene
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Akaashi Keiji/Tsukishima Kei, Bokuto Koutarou/Tsukishima Kei, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 37
Kudos: 419





	1. Chapter 1

“There’s three of you!! Three of you and you couldn’t even protect him!!...Three of you...and you guys couldn’t even love him enough.” 

The others had to drag away Yamaguchi from attacking the three men who had just arrived. It seemed like it just a couple hours ago that everything was normal. Them four together were so happy, so very much in love with each other. It was all fine and great so why is it that their youngest partner, their precious lover is in the hospital. What had went wrong?

“N-no you’re lying! He’s not...he’s not gone.” Akaashi dropped down on his knees, his legs finally giving out on him.

“Keiji!” The other two, Bokuto and Kuroo, shouted.

“Please tell me he’s still alive.” Akaashi begged.

——————————

The funeral was small at the request of Kei’s mother, only inviting those who knew of her youngest child. Some relatives, his old teammate, some of his college classmates, and other volleyball player he had played with and against were there. Each to say their farewell and lighting an incensed for the deceased boy.

Though Kei’s mother tried her best to be a good host and greeting everyone who came with a tender motherly smile, it was still very obvious of her grief. The way her frail hand was shaking while holding the frame of a picture of her son, her skin paler than usual, eyes red and swollen having no life to them anymore, and the way she closed herself off very much like her son prior to his death. No one could blame her though, after all no mother should have to bury her children before herself. She had lost both of her child within the same year and no words or action could relieve her of her pain.

“I-I’m sorry.” Kuroo approached her after most people have left, only a few remaining.

She tiredly glanced over at him, “He used to tell me so much about you three, about how happy he was and I was so happy for him too. Even though it was hard for me to understand him having three lovers I was glad that he had someone, you know. Someone to love him so if he had three people loving him then isn’t that a good thing?..but then he just gradually stopped. I should have known something was off when he went from saying ‘we did this or we did that’ to ‘they...they did this’. He called me that day...he was crying so much and just kept on apologizing that he couldn’t be better.”

She paused for a while as if she was processing her thoughts, like she was thinking of what to say. It took a while before she looked at all three of them with so much emotions behind those eyes so similar to their Kei.

“Kuroo san, Bokuto san, and Akaashi san...please never show yourself in front of me ever again. I will never allow you three to come see Kei again. Please excuse yourself.”

—————————

Akaashi sat alone in the room that once belonged to their youngest partner. The room that was left untouched since Kei’s death. Everything was still where Kei himself have left them. The two owl and cat plush that the other three gave Tsukishima for their one year anniversary was still sitting innocently on the bed by the pillows, clear signed that Tsukishima hugged them to sleep every night.

On the desk were unfinished assignments Kei were writing for his classes. He would have been graduating from college in a month. Akaashi reaches over to grab the picture frame with all four of them smiling and arms around each other. It was probably the first and last photo that had of them all together. 

“Keiji? Are you okay?” Kuroo stood by the doorway, unable to bring himself into the room that was starting to lose the scent of Kei.

Akaashi wiped away the few stray tears, “We have so many photo of us but why is it that we only have one with all four of us?Why is our only photo from five years ago at Kei’s high school graduation before we even got together?”

“He didn’t like his photo getting taken...no that’s not right...it was us. We just got used to him being the one the take the pictures that we never even asked him.” 

Kuroo eyed the giant dinosaur plush laying on the floor by Kei’s book case. He had gotten it for Kei when they first started dating, way before joining a relationship with Bokuto and Akaashi. He knew how shy Kei gets when it comes to affection but with just a little pushing and he would always give in. Him and Kei even have their own photo album that was probably on the book case.

“It was because of us wasn’t it...his suicide.” Both of them was startled by Bokuto who silently stood behind Kuroo.

Bokuto easily slipped into the room and sat on the floor where the giant dinosaur plush was. Out of the other two, he was the only one that had spend time with Kei when he was still alive in Kei’s room. At first Kei was very reluctant to let Bokuto into the room while he was studying but Bokuto was known for not taking no for an answer so he pushed his way through. It wasn’t often but the very times that he was in the room, Kei would move from studying by his desk to being on the floor with Bokuto who would look through Kei’s books. Both would be silent but taking comfort in each other’s presence. 

_ “You’re oddly quiet for once.” Kei mumbled. _

_ Bokuto laughed, “I don’t want to extra bother you but I can be loud if you want me to.” _

_ “No...this is fine.” _

_ Bokuto just flashed Kei is biggest smile, loving the way Kei was blushing while trying to get back into his studying. He for sure did not miss how Kei would slowly lean closer to him until their shoulder touched. Not saying anything that would ruin the mood, Bokuto went back to looking at the difference dinosaurs in the book he was browsing through. _

“Yamaguchi was right...we didn’t love Kei enough that’s why he killed himself.”

“Don’t say that Kou!” Kuroo shouted.

Bokuto scoffed, “Kei have his own room while we three share one even though it’s a three bedroom house. Not once did we even invited Kei to sleep in our room unless it’s when we have sex.”

_ Three of them fell limped on the bed, especially Kei who was still trying to catch his breath while Kuroo went over to the bathroom to grab a wet cloth to clean Kei up. Akaashi wiggles over to Kei, peppering the over sensitive boy with kisses. Bokuto lazily took off his filled condom and tied it before throwing it into the trash can besides their bed. _

_ “Hmmm Keiji.” Kei whined in a dazed. _

_ Akaashi giggles, “You’re so cute. Such a good boy for us.” _

_ “Alright come on get up so I can clean you up” Kuroo came back. _

_ Akaashi took a wet towel from him to wipe himself down while Kuroo has to help wipe the blissfully out of it Kei. Bokuto put on his sweat pants first then changed the soiled covers with a new one. _

_ “Bed is ready!” Bokuto plopped onto the bed with arms open for Akaashi to join him. _

_ By now Kei was starting to come back to his senses but still very exhausted, legs shivering a bit beneath him. Kuroo has to help him back on the bed laying on the inside next to Akaashi that was being spooned by Bokuto. _

_ “It’s a pretty tight fit, can you move a bit Kou.” Kuroo complained as he struggled to stay on the bed and not accidentally fall off. _

_ “I’m already at the edge, your butt is too big taking all the space.” Bokuto retort. _

_ “Kou we all know it’s your butt that’s the big one.” Akaashi mumbles. _

_ “Just scoot a bit guys.”  _

_ “Ow!” Tsukishima winced when Kuroo accidentally squished him. _

_ “Shit sorry Kei, I’m just trying not to fall off.” Kuroo apologized. _

_ Kei shakily sat up, “It’s fine...I’ll go back to my room.” _

_ “Are you sure?” Akaashi asked. _

_ A hum was all they got as Tsukishima silently got off the bed. The other three moved into their usual spot on the bed with Akaashi always in the center. Tsukishima lingered at the door for a while watching them with a troubled look.  _

_ “Kei?” Bokuto looked at him confused as to why Tsukishima was staring at them. _

_ Tsukishima shook his head, “Goodnight.” _

_ Bokuto could have sworn he saw tears but it could have been the dim light playing with his eyes so he thought nothing much from it. Tsukishima let out a soft sigh as he closed the door and wobbled back to his room. What the other three didn’t know was that the lonely boy cried himself to sleep that night holding onto his owls and cat plushies, each representing his three lovers. Hopeful that one day they would hold him to sleep too. _

—————————

The three of them were out on a date to go watch a movie. It had been a while so they thought that it would be a good idea for all of them to get out of the house for a while.

It had been great finally seeing each other smile again. It almost felt like everything was back to normal. They would go on dates at least twice a month even if that was just to go eat. The movie was super funny that Bokuto laughed so hard he almost started to cry. It was also nice to be able hold hand during the movie, made them all feel like a normal couple.

They were all walking home side by side when Akaashi suddenly turned around as if remembering something.

“Kei make sure you keep up-“

They all froze as if cold water was thrown on them. Bokuto and Kuroo both turned to face foreword with the truth hitting them that Tsukishima was not behind them as he usually would be. Only Akaashi refuse to turn to keep on walking.

“He had never once walked beside us...why did it take us losing him for us to realize that?”

“Keiji let’s not do this here.” Bokuto tried to pull him along.

_ It took a while before Tsukishima agreed to go on a date with the three of them. Usually he would only go on a date with each of the individually, most of the time it was with Kuroo. Gradually over time he started going out with Akaashi more and each time Akaashi would return back home with the biggest smile, happy that their youngest partner wanted to spend time with him. _

_ While Akaashi, Bokuto, and Kuroo were more showy with their affection, Tsukishima was very subtle. The only time they could ever get any affection from Tsukishima was in their home, away from prying eyes, or when they are making love.  _

_ On their first date all together them three were walking together already used to it while Tsukishima lingered behind, keeping a good distance between them. It was Akaashi that first, telling him to walk beside them but Tsukishima always shook his head. They didn’t make such a big deal about, never did they try to convinced Tsukishima to walk next to them, never did they reached a hand out for him even when they held each other’s. _

_ “Kei don’t stray too far okay?” Akaashi would always remind Tsukishima to not be too far from them. _

_ Overtime Tsukishima would linger back further and further away. Yet none of them did anything. During their dates, it was like Tsukishima wasn’t even there. On accident multiple times they had forgotten to order a drink for Tsukishima or even forgetting to purchase a movie ticket for him as well. Eventually Tsukishima stopped going on dates with all them then slowly even stopping even with them individually. _

_ On their last date a month after Tsukishima’s brother death, Akaashi shouldn’t have known something was wrong. Instead they just assumed he needed some space to recover. _

_ “Kei make sure you keep up with us.” Akaashi called back towards Tsukishima. _

_ Tsukishima, on the other hand, looked daze with his hoodie pulled up over his head. Eyes looking around but not at anything in particular either. He had lost a bit of weight since Akiteru’s funeral but then three never talked about it. _

_ “Kei!” Akaashi tried to call out again. _

_ Tsukishima visibly jerked from his daze, giving his attention to Akaashi. _

_ “You’re too far behind, be careful.” Akaashi said before continuing on with the other two.  _

_ Tsukishima quickly tried to catch up while still remaining the distance. He glanced down at himself and back to the others. He was completely undressed compare to the other three. Wearing a large oversized sweater, plain black jeans and a worn out sneaker, Tsukishima wondered if the others were embarrassed of him. They were out of his leagues so what did they see in him. _

_ “I should have never come.” Tsukishima mumbled to himself, seeing his lovers all happily holding hands with no care to the stares they got meanwhile his were empty and cold. _

Akaashi couldn’t help but cry knowing how lonely they must have made Tsukishima. He saw the way Tsukishima would longingly stare at their intertwined hand when they would walk ahead.

“I should have reached out to him.” Akaashi cried, “He must hate me.”

“Don’t say that Keiji, you know Kei doesn’t.” Kuroo hugged him tightly ,  “He could never hate you, you know that.”

—————————

The house was more silent than usual even if they had all went back to their normal routine. No one had went back into Tsukishima’s room or even tried to mention about him. It wasn’t like talking about Tsukishima was taboo or anything, it was just that they always ended up either arguing about why Tsukishima killed himself or just them completely breaking down that they would never seeing their young lover again.

It was Kuroo’s day off and he had the house all to himself. Finding nothing else to do he decided bake some sweets for the other two when they get back. It was a hobby he picked during their relationships, finding that it helped him relax and calm down his nerves.

Kuroo was icing the cake when he remembered that Akaashi has bought some strawberries the day before.

“Kei can you rinse the strawberries for me?”

Kuroo glances at the single seater sofa where Kei usually sat when he’s not in his room.

“Kei?”

It took a while before Kuroo came back to his senses remembering that Tsukishima was no longer there. His hand clenched tightly around the silicon spatula, trying to hold himself together. Kuroo has always made sure that his days off aligned with Tsukishima so that they could spend the day by themselves. Yet no matter how hard he tried, he still ended up breaking down.

_ After all, out of three of them, he was the first one to fall for Tsukishima. He had pined for the younger boy for two years before finally having the courage to ask Tsukishima out once the younger was near in the end of his second year in high school. They were perfect for each other despite their faults. They were truly in love where even Tsukishima had once whispered to him that they must have been soulmates. _

_ “Tetsu?” Tsukishima whispered into Kuroo’s neck. _

_ “Hmm?” Kuroo continued to play with Tsukishima’s blond hair while the boy was cozily in his lap. _

_ Tsukishima looked up at him looking as beautiful as ever, “Do you believe in soulmates?” _

_ “Uh sure? Why the sudden question?” Kuroo leaned down to kiss Tsukishima’s forehead. _

_ “Nothing much...just thinking that if soulmates really do exist then it’ll be nice if you were my soulmate.” Tsukishima blushes. _

_ It wasn’t very often that his tsundere boyfriend was honest, making him even much more adorable than he already is. Kuroo couldn’t help to hug and kiss is boyfriend even more, wanting to shower Tsukishima with all the love in the world. _

_ “Awe Kei!! I love you so much and heck yes I want you as my soulmate, no not want! You are my soulmate!!” _

_ Tsukishima giggled, “Yeah you must be my soulmate.” _

It was probably another three hours until Kuroo finally calm down enough to finish his cake with strawberries on top. He cut out two slices and placing them on their own plates. Carrying them both over he had set one plate on Tsukishima’s sofa whole he sat down in front of it.

“I learned how to bake for you...how did I forget that? You were always so happy eating my sweets even when they weren’t so good at first...I don’t even remember the last time I baked for you.” Kuroo slowly took a bite of his own cake, “I don’t know how you could eat something so sweet and still be so skinny.”

“I’m so sorry Kei...it was because of me. We were perfectly just fine with us two but then I got too selfish...I wanted Bokuto and Akaashi too. I knew you were very self conscious even if you act like you were so confident. When you asked me if it was cause you weren’t enough...I should have told you that you were. You were always more than enough for me Kei.”

_ “I-is it because of me? Am I not enough? Did I do something wrong?” Tsukishima asked on the verge of crying over the phone. _

_ “I just...I talked to Bokuto and Akaashi...we’re going to try being in a poly relationship.” _

_ “Then why didn’t you talk to me first? Why didn’t you say anything to me?” By then Tsukishima couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. _

_ Kuroo sighed, “Don’t cry Kei. I just didn’t know how to tell you...look I’m going to be there this weekend and we can talk about it in person okay.” _

_ “A-are we breaking up?” _

_ “I still want to be with you Kei but I’m also in love with Bokuto and Akaashi. They also feel the same too so I know you’ll come to love them as well. Just give it a thought okay...I have to go, I’ll text you later. Love you.” _

_ Tsukishima stayed on the phone for a while even after the line went dead. All he could think about was what went wrong for Kuroo to suddenly want to have a relationship with Bokuto and Akaashi. Was it cause he was still in high school? Cause of the long distance relationship? No it must be because he rude, mean, boring, ugly, selfish, stupid, too thin, too tall, with so many faults of course Kuroo would get tired of him. _

_ Kuroo was too nice that’s why didn’t want to break up. Kuroo would rather put up with someone like him than ever break his heart.  _

_ “He’ll still love me..right?” _

_ So when that weekend came, Tsukishima told Kuroo that he was okay with him being in a relationship with Bokuto and Akaashi. Kuroo was even more happier than Tsukishima have ever seen him when he said he’s willing to try too. _

_ With teary eyes Tsukishima asked, “You’ll still love me right? Nothing is going to change between us?” _

_ “Of course Kei! Nothing is going to change silly.” _

It was a lie, both Kuroo and Tsukishima knew everything had changed. Kuroo has moved in with Bokuto and Akaashi while Tsukishima remained in Miyagi to finish high school. By the time Tsukishima had moved in, the other three had already have a deeper connection than ever. Easily moving around each other, knowing each other’s routine and quirks, it was as if Tsukishima was an outsider intruding on them. How many times have Tsukishima had to apologized when he did something that ruin their routine, how many times he had accidentally walk in on them when they forgot what time he would return, how many times have they forgotten that he was there? Who would have known that just a year of the three being together would changed so much.

_ The night before Tsukishima’s suicide, he had came to talk to Kuroo while he was getting ready to go clubbing with Bokuto and Akaashi that were already at the club. Kuroo saw all the signs and yet he did nothing. He was so convinced that everything was fine, that Tsukishima was fine that he just needed more time to adjust, after all he did come to love Bokuto and Akaashi too. _

_ “You sure you don’t want to go? It’ll be fun.”  _

_ Kuroo rushed times get ready since he had came back home later than expected. Bokuto’s team had won in a tournament so they were going clubbing with the team to celebrate. Tsukishima had turned down at going as he did not like being in large crowded places.  _

_ “I’m good...can you stay with me at least for tonight? We can celebrate for Bokuto together tomorrow.” Tsukishima timidly asked. _

_ Kuroo has to pause for a bit and look at the younger man. When did he become so timid? Instead of the boy he had first fell in love with that shone so brightly, it was like he was staring at a completely different person.  _

_ Tsukishima was wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants like normal yet it looks so big on him, so loose. He felt smaller, no longer standing up tall and proud like usual. Pale skin even more paler, an unhealthy grayish paleness. Even his blonde hair losing it’s beautiful vibrant glow. Kuroo would compare Tsukishima to a moon that lost its glow. _

_ Shaking his head, “It’s important for Kou, this is his night I can’t do that to him. Don’t worry we should be back before midnight. You can call Yamaguchi over if you don’t want to be alone.” _

_ “Please Tetsu...please stay with me tonight. Only for tonight I promise...I really need you...I can’t be alone.” _

_ “Tsukishima.” Kuroo said with a stern voice, “This is Kou’s night and I’m going. I’m already late so don’t need you distracting me. Look I’ll try to be back sooner okay and then I’ll be with you I promise.” _

_ “D-do you...still love me?” _

_ Kuroo was in shocked, “Why would you even ask that? Of course I do.” _

_ The two silently stared at each other before Tsukishima moved to grab a pair of combat boot for Kuroo. Kuroo could only stare as Tsukishima helped Kuroo put the boots on, unable to see Tsukishima’s face as he just stared down at the shoes. _

_ “We had a matching pair...you got it for me last year on my birthday saying that we should at least have something that matched and be all couple-ly. That was the last time you called me Kei.”  _

_ With that Tsukishima got up left with an unreadable expression, the same one he had after his older brother had passed away.  _

_ “Tsu-“ _

_ Kuroo was about to call out for Tsukishima but his phone ringing distracted him. Seeing as it was a call by Akaashi, Kuroo hurriedly picked up the call. _

_ “Where are you? Koutarou is looking for you, everyone is already here!” Akaashi yelled over the loud music. _

_ “Sorry I’m heading over right now.” _

_ “Okay see you in a bit!” _

_ Kuroo went over to knock at Tsukishima but not getting a reply back he decided that he would just give him some space. They can talk when he gets back, swearing not to drink too much so that he can be sober later. _

_ Unfortunately none of them returned until three in the morning the next day, Kuroo already completely forgetting his promise or that it had been Tsukishima’s birthday. _

“I should have stay with you. I should have never left! God Kei I’m so sorry. I love you so much Kei.”

Akaashi was the first one to return home to find a passed out Kuroo leaning on Tsukishima’s sofa. The soft blue light from the the moon outside the open window reflecting off of Kuroo. It was as if the moon light enveloping Kuroo in the rather dark room. A little breeze from the window blew in, ruffling Kuroo’s hair.

Akaashi quietly moved the two plate of cake aside in case Kuroo accidentally knock them over. It seemed as though even in his sleep, Kuroo was still silently crying. Just when he was about to wake Kuroo up to move to the bed he felt a soft breeze like a whisper against his left ear.

“Kei?”

Akaashi turned to the window, revealing the giant moon with a glow so beautiful it almost reminded him of when he first fell in love with Tsukishima. He may have been the last one to fall for Tsukishima but it wasn’t like he loved Tsukishima less than the other two. His Tsukishima Kei that he was not able to protect, his precious Kei that forever left a hole in all of them.

“In another lifetime, please let me meet Kei again, let me fall in love with you again and love you right.”

Akaashi quietly prayed to the moon.


	2. Dark Side of the Moon

‘Kuroo deserves better.’

That was his first thought then they first went out. The older boy loved him deeply and dearly, showering him with so much affection that Tsukishima felt a stab of pain in his chest each time that he couldn’t even show an ounce of that affection back. So when Kuroo asked him to join a four way relationship with Bokuto and Akaashi, he pushed down all of his insecurities back into its box, hiding it away. He’s not going to lie, it hurt like hell guessing if maybe he wasn’t enough for Kuroo but he wanted to make his lover happy.

‘I’m not good enough.’

If he was to describe it then Kuroo was like fire, so captivating that before he knew it that warmth it provided had already became a scorching flame overtaking all of him, leaving nothing left behind. God it burned so heavenly. Each touch from Kuroo set his heart flamed, melting him underneath and he wanted more.

_ “You’ll still love me right? Nothing is going to change between us?” He had asked. _

_ Kuroo smiled back as he reached for Tsukishima’s hand, “Of course Kei! Nothing is going to change silly.” _

It took a while to get used to being in a relationship with the other two as well but he did it for Kuroo. Thankfully it didn’t take long to fall a little bit in love after every text messages, phone call, and video chat with the other two but it was still no where near the love he had for his first love, Kuroo. 

Akaashi was like water, calm and soothing and before Tsukishima realized it he was already heads deep underneath. Akaashi filling up his lung and drowning him yet he wasn’t scared at all strangely enough. There was a sense of comfort making him feel likes he is flying through the current.

Bokuto was like the earth itself. Yes the man was loud and everything opposite of himself but there was no way anyone wouldn’t have fallen in love with him either platonically or romantically. Bokuto was surprisingly gentle and kept him grounded, feeling safe. Still Bokuto hit him with his love like a boulder, smashing his way through his weaker wall. 

The beginning of their relationship once they were all mutual was great until the three Tokyo boys moved in together that made his insecurities grew. They still tried to include him but it felt like he was never on the same page as the other three. He didn’t get their inside jokes or was able to comment when they retold some funny stories of things that have happened that week. They were living a life together that Tsukishima could only watch from the computer screen. 

“You should tell them that.” Akiteru helped him pack his stuff, “communication is the key to a healthy relationship.”

Tsukishima shrugged, “Maybe I’m just over thinking it besides I’m moving in with them the day after tomorrow...it’ll go away.”

“I don’t know about that Kei but if they make you feel left out then let them know...You deserve to be happy too.” 

‘No I don’t.’

Tsukishima bit his tongue holding back from saying something he really shouldn’t. He just smiled back at his brother and resume packing his stuff. It’s okay in two days he’ll be in Tokyo living with his three lovers, it’ll be fine.

‘They love me, Kuroo still love me...nothing will change.’

A quick moment of bliss was what it was. Bokuto helped carry his stuff inside, Akaashi help him put everything away and Kuroo doing nothing but get in his way by hugging or kissing him every chance he got. Him and Kuroo have only had sex twice before so sleeping together with all three of them that night was quite a scary experience. 

“This is our room where all the magic happens.” Kuroo led him into the master bedroom, bigger than his own with a bathroom and king size bed.

Tsukishima flinched a little when Kuroo said ‘our’ knowing that he meant himself, Akaashi and Bokuto only. Them three sharing a room while he had his own didn’t sit well with him but he refused to say anything about it out loud. They live together so of course they’ll end up sharing a room, maybe he too would end up sleeping in this room one day.

“I miss you so much Kei, I can’t believe you’re actually here now.” Kuroo trailed kisses from Tsukishima’s lip to his neck leaving behind marks on his pale skin.

“I missed you too Tetsu.”

Tsukishima moaned as Kuroo’s hand moved down, one underneath his shirt and the other working on belt. He let Kuroo moved them onto the bed with Kuroo sitting on the bed and him on his lap facing the door.

“Hey now, I’m doing all the heavy lifting and you get all the action from Tsukki.”

Tsukishima glances up seeing both Bokuto and Akaashi by the doorway. In embarrassment he tried pull down his shirt to hide himself but Kuroo continued his mischief.

“Are you shy my love?” Kuroo whispered in his ears sending shivers down his body.

“If you’re not ready yet to get intimate with us just say it Tsukishima.” Akaashi spoke up.

Tsukishima could feel their hungry eyes on him and Kuroo’s growing bulged underneath him, “T-Tetsu.”

“We can wait.” Kuroo rested his forehead on his shoulder.

‘Why did you say ‘we’? It was just with them I’m not ready with?’

Tsukishima bit his lip as he pulled up his shirt to reveal his pink erect nipple, “I-it’s okay, I want to.”

‘Make them happy, make Kuroo happy.’

“Are you sure?” Akaashi asked.

He nodded, “Yes.”

“I love you so much Kei!” Kuroo grinned.

Kuroo was so happy that he didn’t have to heart to let them know that he wasn’t ready yet to have sex with Akaashi or Bokuto. It was fine, he was fine.

‘They’re happy and Kuroo loves me...that’s all that matters.’

It was a lot to take in, so many hands were on him, feeling so much pleasure all over. Still there a slight sting once again in his heart when he saw how the other three move around themselves, knowing exactly where each other’s favorite spot was, exposing the immense pleasure that Tsukishima was not able to give them. 

Jealousy was a terrible thing to feel especially when he’s already in a relationship with all them but he couldn’t help it.

As much as he wanted to hate them cause that would make things easier, they were kind and patient with him. He loved how gentle Akaashi was. He loved how passionate Bokuto was. He realized that his love for Kuroo didn’t lessen at all, in fact it only grew and so did his love for the other two. Tsukishima smiled knowing that Kuroo didn’t split his love in three but that it grew three times. That gave him some comfort.

“I love you Tetsu, Kou and Keiji. I love you three so much.” He finally told them one random morning, a couple of months in living together.

“We love you too Kei!”

The insecurities were still there just tucked away, only surfacing when small things would happen. Him walking in on them having sex without him, they attending a concert without him, or accidentally forgetting to order him a drink when they went out. It was fine he could handle that but that was just it, small things add up and his box couldn’t hold them in anymore. 

Tsukishima eyed their interlocked hand as they all went out on a date. He was lagging behind not by choice at first, it was just that the sidewalk wasn’t that wide for four grown men to walk side by side. He loved them...but did they love him back?

“How are you Kei, it’s been a while.” Akiteru sat down in front of him, “you should go visit mom more. She really miss you a lot.”

“I know...just been busy with school but I’m good.”

“You’re not eating your strawberry cake so something must be wrong. Kei you can talk to me about anything. Is this about your partners?” Akiteru asked.

Tsukishima sighed, “We were doing fine, I was doing fine but I just hate how I feel when they...am I even needed anymore? T-Tetsu doesn’t even call me Kei anymore.”

“Don’t say that Kei! Of course you are! I’m serious Kei maybe it’s best if you end this relationship, it’s not healthy for you if it makes you feel that way.”

“I don’t want to leave them...that’s the problem. I love them so much.” He cried.

“Oh Kei, it’ll be okay I’m always here for you.” That was the last time Akiteru ever hugged him. 

‘You lied to me again Aki nii.’ 

He could barely even remember what happened after the hospital called him to inform him of the news. A drunk driver the police told him. He was so angry at first that the driver who killed his brother survived. Why? Why did they take his brother away? The anger only last a little bit until the numbness kicked in. He was so numb he didn’t even feel the pain of watching his three lovers continue on with their daily life without him, leaving him alone in his room to face his own demons. Even when they went out on dates, they were in their own world and Tsukishima in his. Gradually he just stopped going with them cause what was the point when he was just forgotten.

“I need you Aki nii.” He cried himself to sleep. 

“Tsukki you need to eat something.” He felt Bokuto gently shaking him out of his sleep, “wake up hun.”

Tsukishima tiredly sat up, putting on his glasses to see Bokuto by his bedside with a worried look. He had never ask the other two why they didn’t come into his room like Bokuto does. It seemed like only Bokuto was comfortable enough to spend time with him when he’s studying in his room.

“I made you rice porridge...I know I’m not the best cook like Keiji and Tetsurou but it should taste okay.”

Bokuto helped him off the bed, leading him by the hand to the dining table where a warm bowl of porridge was waiting for him.

“I even added an egg in there too.” Bokuto proudly sat down next to him.

“Thank you Kou.” 

Bokuto reaches over to rub Tsukishima dark circle, “You lost so much weight hun...I’m sorry I took so long...I just didn’t know what to say or do to make you feel better.”

“It’s okay, you’re here now.” 

“I love you Kei, I really do.”

Tsukishima fiddled with his thumb, “C-can we cuddle after I’m done eating?”

“Of course we can! You don’t even need to ask Kei! But first let’s take a nice warm shower and then you can even wear my favorite hoodie. I promise you it’s super warm and comfy you’ll love it! Keiji guaranteed so you can trust me on that. Ooh and we can cuddle in our room so that when Keiji and Tetsurou come back they can join us too. I bet they miss you lots! We should also have Keiji give you a massage! He gives out the best massage ever like you would feel like you’re in heaven.”

Tsukishima smiled for the first time after his brother’s death as he ate Bokuto’s porridge made only for him as Bokuto continued to ramble on about random things that he had missed. 

  
  
‘They still love me.’

He had some good days and he had some bad days but at least the other three were there for him as much as they could. Usually it would be Bokuto who tried to keep him company on those bad days but as Bokuto got more busy during his game season it was Akaashi who quietly sat besides him when he wasn’t in his room. Occasionally Kuroo would join them, picking Tsukishima off from his couch to the bigger one so that they can all sit together.

Tsukishima’s favorite was on his day off cause that means that Kuroo was too. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy the company of his other two lovers but something about Kuroo that just managed to keep his mind from wandering into bad places even if Kuroo himself doesn’t know that. The older man would sometimes bake some sweets for him or they would just spend the day in each other’s arms and Tsukishima cherished every moment of it especially since those days were so rare now.

‘I must be such a burden.’ 

It was his birthday and yet he woke up feeling like crap. He instantly knew that it was one of his bad day, perhaps the worse one that week. Unfortunately Bokuto had a game and Akaashi went to watch him so he was home all alone. He waited all day to see if his lovers would call or even text him a happy birthday but only Yamaguchi and his mom did. 

_ “That was the last time you called me Kei.” _

He don’t know what took over him but he was just so angry and frustrated. He wanted to shout at Kuroo to just tell him if he was an annoyance then just say it. It was like something inside of him just snapped.

‘You don’t love me like you used to!’ 

He sat on his bed so tired from crying but refusing to close his eyes as he waited for his lovers to come home. By the time they had returned, his birthday was already over. He choked back more tears hearing them three laughing, congratulating Bokuto on his win. Tsukishima sobbed out loud not even caring anymore when he heard them having sex.

Tsukishima didn’t even knew when he fell asleep but the first the he did was grab his phone and bolted out of there. He knew he had to congratulate Bokuto for winning but he really just couldn’t be there any second longer. It just hurts too much and he needed some fresh air alone. So he just walked to where his feet led him.

“Ah I forgot to wear shoes.”

Tsukishima pathetically laughed at himself when he noticed he was wearing the house slipper. He shrugged since he was still also in sleepwear clothing as well. It was still early in the morning that the sun was not even out yet so thankfully there wasn’t a lot of people yet. The morning coolness made him shiver but he was glad to at least feel something. 

Pulling out his phone he unlocked his phone to search his contact only for his thumb to freeze on top of his brother’s number.

‘Aki nii.’

“I miss you nii chan.” 

‘I can’t do it anymore Aki nii, why did you have to leave me? You’re a liar...just like them. You’re all liars!’ 

He stopped in front of a tall business building, noticing the staircase at the side. In a daze he climbed up the stairs until he reached the rooftop. 

“What did I do wrong? Why am I not enough?” He walked over to the edge, climbing up on the railing. 

He knew he shouldn’t, it was a stupid idea but the demons in his head told him to let go. To fall and end everything. It’ll stop hurting it whispered in his ears. ‘It’ll all go away if he fall’ the demons tempted. His legs shook in fear as he glanced down and the ground seemed further away than it really should. 

He was so scared. 

“Kei hunny? What are you doing awake at this time?”

“M-mom...I’m so scared right now.”

He could hear the panic in his mother voice over the phone, “Baby what’s wrong? Where are you?”

“I’m sorry mom, I’m so sorry. Sorry I couldn’t be better. I’m sorry. If only I was a better son, a better brother, and a better partner. I’m so so sorry.” 

Sorry for failing to be stronger. Sorry for giving up. Sorry for being a burden. 

“Kei stop you did nothing wrong okay. Please don’t do anything stupid. J-just stay where you are okay? Mom is coming to get you sweetie. It’ll be okay.”

“I’m sorry...it should have been me.”

He hanged up not able to bear hearing his mother cry at him to stop. Akiteru really should have been the one to live not someone as worthless as him. He watched his phone slip out of his hand falling onto the ground below, shattering. He was going to fall just like that too.

‘You’re so pathetic! Just a waste of space. Look at you! You’re all alone! You have three lovers and even then they don’t even love you. They don’t want anything to do with you. Just jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!’

Tsukishima winced when he felt a bright light shine on his eyes. Looking up at the source of the light. As if time slow down and a wave of warmth wrapped around him, he stared at the sun rise. It was such a normal thing to see the sun rise and yet it took his breath away. 

‘I don’t want to die.’ He wanted to go back to Kuroo, Bokuto, and Akaashi. 

“Communication is the key to a healthy relationship.” Akiteru once said.

Yet not once did he try to talk to them about his insecurities when they left him out. Instead he just held it all in until it grew too big for him to handle. He don’t even know why he refused to tell them about, not even Kuroo who meant to world to him. He needed help even if his pride said otherwise.

‘I’ll go back home and I’ll tell them everything.’

It all happened so fast, one moment he trying to turn around to get down from the railing and the next he was already falling. His slippers, having no traction, had slipped off of the slightly damp railing from the morning dew. 

“I want to go home.”

Kuroo jolted awake, “Kei?”

“Hm...what is it?” A sleepy Akaashi mumbled next to him.

“Nothing, go back to sleep.”

On the other side of Akaashi was Bokuto, all of them completely naked with cloths scattered all around the floor. The sun was just barely rising, a sign of a new day. Kuroo rubbed his eyes awake, getting up to put on some clothes.

“Shit I forgot.”

Kuroo quietly sneaked out of the room as to not disturbed the two sleeping. He slowly made his way to Tsukishima’s room and gently knocked.

“Kei? You awake yet?”

Tsukishima was an early riser especially since he had morning class so he should have been awake already.

“Kei? I’m sorry I forgot it was your birthday-“ He opened the door only to find it empty, “Kei?”

He went back to their room to grab his phone to call Tsukishima. He shouldn’t have left to class yet and it seemed like his bag was still in the room so Kuroo was unsure where he could have gone.

“Kei I’m so sorry I forgot about your birthday but I promise I’ll make it up to you. Call me back when you can...please? We need to talk about last night okay? Love you.” Kuroo left a message when he was sent to voicemail after a couple of times of calling.

It wasn’t until noon that he got a call from Yamaguchi.

“Have you heard from Kei?!” Kuroo sat up in a panic, slightly scaring Bokuto and Akaashi.

“Kuroo.” Yamaguchi mumbled.

“Kei haven’t called or text me back yet and I’m getting worried. I know he’s probably mad that I forgot about his birthday but I just want to make sure he’s okay and if he’s with you or not. He might not want to hear from me but I just want to apologize about last nig-“

“T-Tsukki is not here anymore.” Yamaguchi sobbed.

Kuroo felt his heart dropped, “What do you mean? Where did he go then?”

“What did you do to him Kuroo? Why would he...w-why would he jump and ki-...I’ll text you which hospital I’m at.” Yamaguchi hanged up the phone.

“No no no no no! This can’t be happening!” Kuroo fell down to his knees.

He was too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY HEY HEY!! Finally a sequel in Tsukki’s perspective. Honestly I have rewritten and deleted the sequel so many time just cause I didn’t really seemed to like it. Sorry I know it’s rushed and slightly different from the first part but I wanted this one to show the good parts of their relationship and Tsukki’s inner turmoil. I didn’t even intend for the boys to seem like they didn’t love my baby Tsukki in the first part but it just became that way so whoops. Also from the beginning when I first wrote the story it was never meant to be a suicide but an unfortunate accident, sadly the boys will never know that. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed the story.


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